Healthy Sexual Relationship, Islam’s view- part 2
Some manners and skills for healthy matrimonial sexual relationships
By paying attention to the manners of any work we want to do will increase the feeling of satisfaction with it. There are some physical, mental, talking and behavioral manners for having a healthy matrimonial sexual relationship which plays an important role in our satisfaction with it, they are as what follows:
- Asking God
One of the most important factors to be kind and get along with one’s couple is to ask God to put mutual understanding and compatibility among the couples. In some cases praying and asking God to have a better mutual life has influenced the increase of pleasure between the husband and wife. Abi-Basir a reliable companion of Imam Sadegh (PBUH) narrated:
A man went to Imam Sadegh (PBUH) I heard he said to Imam: “May I be sacrificed for you. Although I’m a bit over the hill I married a young lady. I haven’t had relations with her yet. I’m worried about having sex with her, maybe because of my age she couldn’t stand having sex with me or she gets disgusted after having sex with me. What should I do? The Imam said: “Ask her to perform ablution and you too. Before having sex say prayers and say salawat (Salutation to Prophet Muhammad and his Progeny) then ask your companion to say amen. Then say: “O’Allah give me her kindness and satisfaction and make me satisfied and make our sex pleasurable. Truly You like Halal and hate Haram.” Then the Imam said “Truly kindness is from God and the feeling of hatred between couples is from Satan because Satan wants to make people hate doing what God has ordained as Halal.”
- Starting with the name of Allah and seeking the protection of him
As Imam Sadegh (PBUH) mentioned “Feeling of hatred and dislike of having healthy sexual relationship is made by Satan and the feeling of satisfaction and enjoying this kind of relation is made by Allah, so we should escape from the Stan and start a matrimonial sexual relation in the name of Allah to benefit from its benefits.”
In every matrimonial sexual relationship starting with name of Allah should not be forgot. This thought if accompanied with real belief reduces sexual lust and increases spiritual power and also the act of remembering God helps the couple not to disregard each other’s rights and helps them to satisfy each other. Starting with the name of Allah and seeking protection from him helps one to think about other aspects of compatibility beyond sexuality and promote it.
- The preparation of one’s mind
To have better sexual relations, the couples should be prepared. If they are not ready their sexual relation becomes unpleasant. The Grand Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) scheduled his relations with his wives so that each of his wives knew which day the prophet would go to her. Being informed beforehand helps a spouse to have desirable relations. This matter was so important to Imams that Imam Sadegh (PBUH) said: “It is not good for a man when he arrives at night from a journey to have a sexual relationship. He had better wait until morning.” One reason of this unawareness is that his wife didn’t get ready for sexual relationship.
- Cleanness and beauty
To improve one’s sexual desire personal cleanliness including shaving your face, having a haircut, shaving the hair of the genitals especially done by men add to one’s sexual desire and choosing sanitary accessories should be considered. None of the couples should think the other one is waiting to take bath and get clean after sexual relationship. They should see taking a bath and performing ablution after sexual relationship as obeying God’s order not a good opportunity to take their shower and shaving. Before sexual relation the couples especially the wife should be prepared because men get aroused by sight and smell.
- Preparing for sexual intercourse
Preparedness for a better matrimonial sexual relation is encouraged and being hasty and being selfish to fulfill the desire just by one of the couples is reprimanded by the Impeccable Imams (Peace Be Upon Them) and the Prophet Muhammad says: “When one of you wants to have sex with his wife do not engage in sexual intercourse selfishly and hastily.”
Couples should be prepared for sex which includes some steps. It should not be done in improper time and place. Islam greatly stresses the importance of foreplay and is considered as necessary and sacred. Imam Sadegh (PBUH) said: “The Angels of Allah are absent in certain cases including the time when a man engages in foreplay with his wife before engaging in sexual intercourse.” This makes men to consider that in addition to the satisfaction he would receive, he also receive good deeds on his record for the afterlife and would learn how to respect the rights of others in order to be fair. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said:
“Three things are unkind to do. One is not asking the name of the person who is accompanying you on a trip. The second one is not accepting someone’s invitation for food or if you accept the invitation but refusing to eat and the third one is having sex with your spouse before saying attractive words.
There are some sexual disorders which mostly included:
- Lustful gazes destroy relationship
The most important thing to protect marital relationship is to resist against lustful gazes and confronting the disorders. One of factors for a morally healthy life is that one should not let his eyes look at everywhere and create some limitation for his glance. This is mentioned in different verses and narrations in different words including “lowering one’s eyes” it means to turn the head down and stop looking. The Holy Quran says to believers:
“Tell faithful men to cast down their look and to guard their private parts.”(24, 30-1)
And tell faithful women to cast down their look. This limitation brings purity as a result eyes don’t commit sins. Allah is aware of the sinful eyes. Eyes which are unfaithful satisfy their desire in an untrue way.
Always people just see objects and other people without attention or precision in many cases but if they look at them continually it can cause many sins. Prophet Muhammad says: ”O’ people indeed sight has a Satanic source so the one who finds it in herself or himself should go to her husband or his wife. The one who doesn’t do the same, will get stock in Satan’s trap and very rarely can he get rid of it. Imam Sadegh (PBUH) said: “The first look you take is for you, and the second look is against you the third brings about destruction.”
As far as evil gaze is harmful making limitation for one’s look is also very important. That’s why Imam Sadegh (PBUH) said: “One who glances at a woman, but instantly looks away at the sky or turns his gaze down; before he could remove his gaze fully, Allah marries him to a black-eyed houri.” This narration shows there are many sins in looking; therefore, resisting against such ones is very important and for not looking at ladies as it was explained, God rewards a houri who is incomparable in beauty to the women in this world. And also shows that this limitation making is not easy to do. This limitation causes two individual and social immunities:
A person is looking for being immune from sins even prefers to be isolated. Whatever receives protection becomes valuable and favorable and whatever threatens it becomes embarrassing. Imam Sadegh (PBUH) said: “The (evil) gaze is a poisonous arrow from the arrows of Satan. Who abstains from it out of God’s fear (not for the fear of other things than God), God will grant him in return with true faith.”
For immunity and getting rid of Satan, one’s look must be limited. Imam Sadegh (PBUH) said: “A glance after another one and repeatedly at a fair lady who is not your kinship causes sexual lust and seduces the person and leads to departure from God and causes evil results and misfortune.” Limiting one’s look is easier than looking and then repenting in order to reach immunity, since it is always easier to prevent than to cure.
Not only people are looking their immunity but also they want their relatives to become immune because their immunity causes him to feel secure. This immunity is met by limiting one’s looks. Imam Sadeq said to Abu- Basir: “Imagine the situation where a man passes by a woman and looks at her from behind. Does anyone like others look at his wife and his family?” I said: “no.” Then the Imam said: “So like the things for other which you like for yourself.”
A person who wants immunity for his family, should cause comfort in others, i.e. others should feel immunity from him. Imam Sadegh (PBUH) said:
“The person who looks at women from behind, is not immune from other people’s looks at his wife. If you want to feel safe for your mother, your sister and your wife, you should act in a way that others feel safe.”
There is a question here, according to Imams’ narrations if someone doesn’t like others to look at his wife he shouldn’t look at others’ wives. What if someone doesn’t bother if others look at his wife? Is he right to say: “What I’d like for myself, I like the same for others? As it mentioned in narration that do onto others what you like them to do to you?
The answer is, the Imam said this because he was sure Abu Basir would answer negatively. How can you answer except no if you are a religious person? In other words this recommendation of Imam is addressed to people who respect the values of humanity, and their nature is not tarnished with inhumanity yet. So this narration doesn’t contain this example, it wasn’t common in the past, such a thought was not common then. In the cases where bad deeds were available the Imams talked about them as well. For example Imam Ali (PBUH) said about anger: “Anger is a kind of madness because an angry man would regret what he has done after his anger disappears.”
Now it comes to one’s mind if a person doesn’t regret after getting angry wouldn’t it be a kind of madness? The Imam continued: “If such a person doesn’t regret he is completely mad.” Then anger isn’t just madness it is utmost madness. This definition shows getting angry and not regretting it was common in that time. It is not like if Abu Basir said: “Yes, I like to look at the other men’s wives so they can look at mine”; the Imam would say: “OK, so there is no problem go and have a look.” The mutual point is that both sides agree that it is an unpleasant action. The Imam (PBUH) said: “Now that you see it as an unpleasant thing to happen for yourself, don’t do it to others.”
Some conditions in matrimonial sexual relationship are mentioned as healthy sexual relationship items which should be considered before having sex for the sake of having better relations. Knowing harmful behaviors can help us to know and achieve good sexual contact. The result of harmful actions will appear during or after the sexual relation which reduces the sexual satisfaction of spouses.
Having a desire for the opposite gender is a natural desire and ignoring or quelling it is not a good solution for this issue. This desire should be recognized and should attempt to satisfy it in the correct way. Islam knows this desire useful and recommends to satisfy it properly.
For the sake of true satisfaction and not incurring sexual relation disorders Islam recommended marriage and the control of the sexual desire by limited looking and protecting privacy between men and women. True satisfaction and control can lead to private and social immunity.
Remarking the differences between genders in sexual desire, sexual maturity, physiology, sexual organs, mental and emotional differences between men and women, differences in understanding, reactions, desires and orientations which determine the living, mental and innate borders has a great influence on providing and benefiting from sexual satisfaction and avoiding the disorders.
The need which is satisfied in marital relation between a husband and wife help them know well their roles and duties in mutual life and increases their personality and self-esteem. Having healthy matrimonial sexual relations prevent unlawful sexual relationships and fulfills the major target which is health and equilibrium.
Mental, material, inner and emotional manners should be considered in a sexual relationship. The major personal calmness takes place under the special mercy by God. So praying to ask help from him and obeying his rules as well as taking refuge to God from Satan and trusting in God are very important in mutual life. Getting ready mentally from the aspect of psychology, cleanliness and adornment from the physical aspect and sexual readiness from the instinct aspect are the manners of a desirable sexual relationship.
To achieve calmness in this relation, we should notice the different sexual desires in couples. Couples should get to know each other’s feelings to prevent misunderstanding or suspicion in sexual relations. Not paying attention to religious lessons and preparation for matrimonial sexual relations in marital life especially from men may cause serious damage. For women laziness and not wearing makeup and cleanness in marital life make their life away from calmness. Having skills to distinguish differences between men and women in their physical needs and sexual desires could help them to have a marital life full of happiness and pleasure and make them closer as well as immunity from disorders.
In conclusion, getting married in the right time is one of items for directing and controlling the sexual desire. Making well timed marriage as a trend in the society plays an important role in having healthy sexual relationship.
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